Points to ponder....

Dear Diary,

Just saying......

Wouldn't you agree? ;-D

Signed off for now

LOLA

Common mistakes to avoid with Young Adult.....

Dear Diary,

I must say it is a daunting task for me to raise a healthy and well balance kids all on my own.  It is even more challenging for me to juggle between a mother and a career woman.  Now both of them has grown up and now become young adult.  

There is one article from Imonk that caught my attention about common mistakes that we should avoid in dealing with young adult children.  These are some of the mistakes to avoid with them:

• Assuming they don't want to hear that they are loved.  I always reminded my ex to at least call or message them whenever there is good happened in their life, i.e. won the games, obtained good mark in exam, etc.  I think no one is as mature and beyond the need for affection as they appear to be.  There are some hard cases, but most of us are never too old to treasure those people who tell us they love us.  Hence, every conversation i have with my children, I always end it with the love word.

• Assuming they no longer appreciate a hug.  It might be a small thing, but there is something primal about it.  Ditto from above.  I will make sure I will always hug them or at least touch or hold their hand whenever I can.  

• Assuming all they want is money and material possessions.  Such an easy mistake for us to make because that it is such an obvious and frequent place to hear the words "I need...", and so much conspired to tell us this is what "love" means in our culture.  It is just so wrong! wrong! wrong!

• Criticizing them for cultural difference between our generation and theirs.  Lay off the clothes, video games, music, movies and so on (as long they don't cross the line.  Tattoos or equivalent to it is a big NO).  What they need is a solid example of true joy, simple pleasures, genuine spirituality and the ability to see beyond the cultural distractions to the important places in a relationship.

• Not asking questions in the right way, in the right spirit, in the right intention, or with the right attitude.  Be gentle.  Intensity needs to be in the service of compassion.  Don't harbor the illusion that it is OK to throw your frustration and fears onto your children when we are commanded to cast them on HIM.

• Failing to remember what it is like to be a young adult, especially in the ares of insecurities, emotional wounding and feelings of insecurity.  It wasn't a picnic, and there were times when we were all so afraid we weren't going to get anything right.  And for many of us, there was a particular fear that our parents would be especially disapproving of any of our failures.

•  Forgetting how much failure is a part of growing and acquiring wisdom.  When our children fail, we should be their most certain supporters, not their judges.

• Forgetting that no matter how much a person has said they want to be an adult, when you get there it is not at all what you expected it would be.  Keep it real.  I think it is the job of a parent to help their young adult child to always keep a realistic view of what it does and doesn't mean to be an adult.  Believe it or not, most of them consider us to be the best model for what it means to be a grown-up.

• Sometimes it is very hard to be away from home, to be on you own and to be convinced you will never find someone to love you.  We lose track of the emptiness and loneliness.  We buy the idea that it is great to be a young adult, but there are so many moments when things are hard and confusing.  Don't forget those moments when life seemed completely overwhelming and what it means that mom and dad took some small opportunity to acknowledge that with kindness.

• Contemporary culture has made the addictive sins of young adults a high priority.  We should have great compassion on those who are caught in them.  I think it is really time to get past being shocked and start being constructively helpful.  We all have a sin problem.  Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes not.  But the person who is in the ditch isn't very different from those of us who aren't.

Signed off for now

LOLA

Dealing with young adult children.......

Dear Diary,

Currently I am at the stage where I have my own young adult children (17 and 20, to be exact). People who close to me told their advice for getting along well with my children - after they are grown.

And just about everyone had exactly one piece of advice: When in doubt, don't interfere with them.  When they are gone, let them go.

The main advice to maintain good relationship with your young adult is to give them their own life.  Let them make their own decision and don't demand to much on them.  Don't ask to much of them, just be there for them when they need you.  Try to laugh with them.  And certainly you can give advice but don't ever tell them what to do. Because I think your guess is as good as theirs.

I always bared it in mind, it is their life and it's not my life.  I  lived my  life the way I wanted to.  I believes in the non'interference' principle, unless they are the one who come to me for advice.  As I say, they all have their own way to do things and if they get in trouble and they want some help, they will come to me.  That's all.

I have taken this advice to heart.  I must say that it is hard for me not to give advice, but I have learned to wait until my kids ask!

Signed off for now

LOLA

The third person......... Are you?

Dear Diary,

Have you been in a situation when someone who you are involved with was the one actively pursuing?  Or what about if you are the one who become the third person in a relationship?

Sometimes you may not be the homewrecker yourself at all, but it sort of ended up being in that position.  More than often, sometimes you may not even find out about it at all until much later.

This position stands on even trickier and murkier moral ground because in some circumstances it is hard to say if you should feel guilty about being that third person.  Most of the reasons I found why this situation occurred due to :

• Perhaps there is tension in a primary relationship.
• Perhaps there is a disagreement.
• Perhaps a partner feels a basic need is not getting met.

As much as we perceiving that third person as a threat to the primary relationship, in other angle we can look it as an attempt to stabilize the primary relationship.  Well, how might this appear to work, you must wonder?

•  The new relationship provides attention, flattery, other positive feelings;
• It creates a distraction from the problems and frustrations of the primary relationship;
• It seems to meet the unfulfilled needs and solve the problem.

 However, on the lowlights:

1. With this love triangle, it might decrease overall intimacy;
2. While there is more time invested in relationship maintenance, more effort has to be invested in juggling the logistics of the triangle, hence there is actually less deep connection between any of the players;
3. This actually relieves anxiety, by creating emotional distance between all parties involved;
4. Secrecy, jealousy, intrigue... these provide exciting distraction from the issues in the issues in the primary relationship. 

Hence, the third person may have been selected, not as a threat to the primary relationship, but exactly because she is not a threat!  She may be intended as a counter-balance----- a stabilizer.

Don't many 'extra-marital affairs' and 'emotional affairs' actually have this purpose?  Not to break up the primary relationship, but to supplement it?  To fill for what it is lacking, or to take what feels like destructive pressure off?

Then again;

A third person never creates a misunderstanding between two people;

But  a misunderstanding between two people create space for a third person...........

Signed off for now,

LOLA

TGIF.......

Dear Diary,

I'm really looking forward for this weekend. It was a long, demanding, exhaustive weekdays at work and  I just want to chill out for awhile.

Maybe I will stay at home.....

Or, go for retail therapy?

Or better still, go for a date.  Poor him, I have been neglecting him lately....

But, for now I just wanna do some works.........................if anything, see me at my cubicle....

Signed off for now

LOLA

I love you too.....ADIK

Dear Diary,

I was searching for some personal documents in the storeroom at home, when I found two letters received from my younger son, Awan.  The letters were sent when he started his military boarding school a year ago.  

Assalammualaikum ibu,

Tujuan adik tulis surat ini sebab nak luahkan perasaan adik sebelum nak duduki peperiksaan pertengahan tahun dua minggu lagi.  Sebenarnya, adik sukar untuk menyatakan betapa sayangnya adik kat ibu depan-depan.  Adik tak tahu kenapa, tapi dari kecil adik macam tu, Walaupun begitu, adik cukup sayang kat ibu.  Adik banyak melawan cakap ibu, asyik terlupa benda penting, hilang benda penting.  Adik nak sangat memohon maaf kat ibu depan-depan, tapi adik terlalu malu nak minta maaf kat ibu.  Dan adik minta maaf jika adik tak minta maaf selepas buat ibu marah.  Ibu tolong doakan adik berjaya dapat keputusan cemerlang iaitu "Straight A+" dalam peperiksaan yang terdekat dan dalam setiap peperiksaan yang adik duduki.  Kepada abang pula, adik nak minta maaf jika adik ada melawan cakap abang, tak dengar cakap abang, buat abang marah.

Akhir kata, adik ingin memohon ampun kepada ibu dan abang atas segala silap dan salah yang adik buat.  Dan boleh tak ibu cari buku rujukan SPM abang atau nota abang yang lama dan tolong hantar kat sini.  Selamat Hari Ibu. 

Dengan kasih,
AZWAN


And this is the poem that he dedicated to me,

IBU...........
She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I cross the line, I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would become the friend I never had...

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All that you did was love...

Ibu...I love you, Ibu... I care, 
Ibu... I love you, Ibu... my friend
You are my friend

I didn't want to hear it then,
But I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you say and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
About the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of more responsibility...

But now I sure I know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All I can give you is love......

From your mischieveous,
AZWAN 13.6.2012

Awwwww.... Isn't he so sweet?


Signed off for now,
LOLA

To my grown up Awan..........

Dear Diary,

I really love my role as the coolest mum in whole world for my two kids and always portray myself as the supportive and nurturing mum, creating a sanctuary of safety.  I was just getting the hang of this, and out of sudden my younger kid has decided to grow up.  

All this while, things have been breezy.  Awan is a sweet kid; funny, smart, obedient, and respect to other people.  He never gets into any trouble and completely trustworthy.  He prefers to stay home rather than loitering at malls or do nuisance.  That's my boy!

Suddenly, last December when he came back from his boarding school, he is totally changed.  He is still most of the things I just mentioned, but suddenly he became so secretive. What happened to my sweet boy who always loves me and is happy to talk to me and do things together? 

Then I realised he is growing up.  He is pulling away from me and asserting his independence.  He doesn't want to be treated like a small kid anymore, he wants to be treated equally with his big brother. To be treated as a GROWN UP!

I have loved being a mom to my kids.  I love laughing with them, chatting about things that happened in our life, going to movies that I dread but nearly always end up enjoying.  I love how every single day when they are at home, they pile in bed with me for a bit and we have cuddles and hang out before it's time to get going. 

Frankly, I am having such a difficult time envisioning the day when that will all be gone, and yet, I know it will be here soon and it makes my heart pain.

I realised this new-found attitude is all part of the grand plan to make it easier on me the day he finally leaves my house and goes off on his own adventures.  But, I am just having hard time believing it.

Awan, this is for you...

I remember years ago,

you were so little then.

Sometimes I can't help but wish,

that you were small again.

I've cried when you've faced heartaches,

and saw, that as you grew,

nothing broke your spirit,

instead it strengthen you.

I'm filled with mixed emotions,

as I hold back all the tears,

and with much pride remember,

back so many years.

When I first held you in my arms,

if only I'd have known,

the years would feel like moments,

after you had grown.

You aren't a child,

though in my eyes, 

I guess you will always be,

that baby boy who changed my life,

and means the world to me.

My both kids, Alan & Awan,

I hope you know how much I love you so,

I might embarrass you from time to time,

By giving lots of love and needless kisses,

But you need to know I loves you so,

Before you were born I didn't know,

Just how much I would love you so,

But when I looked into your eyes for the first time,

I felt my heart grow and grow,

A mother's love is hard to explain,

Not everyone will feel the same,

Now that you are getting older,

I felt the need to tell you,

Just how much I love you so,

Time may pass day after day or year after year,

But the love I have for you grows,

nearer and dearer to my heart each day and year,

I hope you know just how much I love you so........

In the crazy days that often make up our weeks, months, years, too often we literally don't slow down to notice that everything is changing.  Each day is different that the last.  Too often it is only looking back that we realised that we should have been looking in each moment.

Signed off for now

LOLA