Dear Diary,
Right now to I'm listening Judika "Aku yang tersakiti". I always listen to that song whenever I feel down or sad. I just can't sleep last night thinking about the decision I about to make, the decision that I have to make for the sake of us both.
This morning I have finally made up my mind. I have to wave my white flag to avoid further damage and withdraw from this relationship. "Two is company, three is crowd", don't you think so?
I believe I have not been lucky in love. Yes, I have been blessed with some amazing moments with him, but somehow I found out that he didn't want what I wanted, he didn't feel what I felt, and most importantly is he didn't want to walk beside me into a future together. He still stuck with his past life.
Falling in love can be a slippery slope, no matter how many protective barriers we have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.
Love is elastic. It can stretch and retract and change shape constantly. One day you are over the moon, the next disillusioned. But remember elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perception is a little bit tainted. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we just can't.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Love without expectation. But if your relationship is unbalanced and one of them is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we realise that this type of love isn't healthy?
Love and relationship require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break. I feel happy but yet envious for those who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared. Don't waste it!
Right now I felt the pain, and hope to recover from it. I wish my heart to heal even though in a slow process. There are things that I have learned about this relationship:
- If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it.
- Enjoy the good times together, be grateful of the memories because everything happens for a reason.
- Stay out of the future and in the moment.
- Protect both of our hearts, whether the love is still there or not.
- I'm broken, so beaten down and no energy left.
- If the relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be.
- Some things just won't work, no matter how badly I wish they would.
- It is okay to walk away from something that hurts me. Because sometimes walking away is the only way to win.
- Not everyone, and not everything, is meant to stay.
- Sometimes you just need do your best and surrender the rest.
- What is right for me may be wrong for others, and vice versa.
- I am in control of one person; myself.
- Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are.
- Relationship can only exist on a steady foundation of truth.
- You can make decisions; or you can make excuses.
"Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions".......
Signed off for now
LOLA
