Dear Diary,
As background, I was married and divorced the first time around, where I walked away due to infidelity from my ex. I have since met the most amazing guy, someone who is so perfect for me. There is nothing wrong with him in a serious way, albeit he is not a perfect guy, but that is part of his appeal. I adore him, as is. When I laid my eyes on him for the first time, deep in my heart I knew that he is the one, my soulmate.
And yet, as time clocks off, I find myself afraid to commit for life again. Once again I wish to emphasize, there is nothing wrong with him. It is just me and not because I fear anything he would do, I just.... fear of marriage again.
As a second-time bride, I already know from experience that despite intense, deep-felt love, marriages can and do fall apart. Of course I don't want this marriage to fall apart because I love him to the very core of my being, and I can't imagine life without him.
But what if I haven't learned enough from my mistakes? What if I haven't learned those lesson at all? There is no paper-pencil test for marriage skills, there is no manual on how to make the marriage successful. We can rehearse events in our heads and with our partners, but in the end, nobody can predict where our emotions will take us on any given day.
So where does that leave me now? In some ways, I am still the scared woman. However, I have determined that despite my fear, I must truly deeply trust in my partner's feeling for me, and trust myself. I need to accept that we would never grow if we never took risks, that we, as humans, are life-long learners, that many great things are unrehearsed. And I need to accept that doing nothing for fear of failure gets us nowhere.
Yes.... I DO.....
Signed off for now
LOLA
