Don't Badmouth... It's stink!

Dear Diary,

When we are in a relationship, we tend to see things in positive perspective.  We always see his or her strengths or goodness and turn blind to your partner's weaknesses or flaws.  When we were in love things were better than they are.  

However, when things don't end on a happy note, what's left is dejection, hurt, resentment, hatred and heartbreak.  It is advisable to handle the situation with more dignity.  But then again, it is easier said than done because when emotions are involved, logic always take a backseat.  

Why people start badmouth their ex? 

• Is it for self defense? In most cases, badmouthing an ex is a self-defense mechanism.

• To point fingers or to play the blaming game? We tend to have a habit of pointing fingers to everyone else except ourselves.

• To elevate self-worth? Maybe by putting someone down makes them feel better.  So, by doing that it might increase their self-worth in their own eyes and in the eyes of everyone else. 

• To gain sympathy for others? Making themselves the martyr is a way to get support and sympathy from people around them. 

But in a reality, when you badmouth your ex, it doesn't reflect on him or her, it reflects on you.  Is that what you wanted to say? When you trash your ex on your date, he or she will wonder if you aren't over your ex.  They will start wondering why you put up with someone that so stupid or mean or abusive.  They will wonder if you will say the same about them.

I didn't say that you have to lie or say nice things about your ex if there is aren't good things to say.  It means you need to deal with the past, and the focus on reporting the facts rather than being mean.  Be careful with the words you choose.  

From time to time we all let one slip on an ex we dislike.  But it should be the exception, not the rule.  You can't play the game of love and not get hurt from time to time. 

Grieve.... learn from it... and finally move on..........

Anyhoo, what is the meanest thing you have ever heard a date say about an ex? 

Signed off for now

LOLA

Make up after a fight...

Dear Diary,

Last night we had a fight.  The funny thing is both can't remember what we were really  fighting about but we glad that we managed to made up before it became worse.  

I believe most couples have fights once in a while.  Sometimes I believe to have a fight with your partner make you more understanding with each other needs and worries as long as you know how to fight and make up in an open and healthy way.  

In order to ensure that the relationship succeed, both partners should have the ability to 'make up' after a fight, in an adult way rather that leave it to the inner selves. 

#1  Don't run out or go silent - Distancing is just a sign that one or both of you are not ready or don't want to make up yet.  However, you can use the 'time out' approach.  It just for a short time with a firm understanding that both of you will get together at the end of that period and resolve the issue. Remind him that your love is stronger than your pain.  

#2  Look beneath the argument - Identifying the root feeling can help you calm down and make up with your partner.  Maybe it is due inadequacy, fear of abandonment or feeling taken for granted.

#3  Good communication - Get to the core issue and helps him to understand your feeling without arguing about it. Talk in calm voice and listen to each other so both of you can ensure that the fight will not happen again.  Identify the ‘making up’ process clearly and verbally, by telling each other what you are feeling and what you want to happen between you that will feel like "making up". Don’t allow things to develop in an unspoken way by giving a kiss or a hug without saying ‘I’m ready to make up’ or something like that.  And don't you ever hold grudges with each other.

#4  Be responsible - If you can find a way to won to your part in the argument without trying to blame or wrong each other for it, it may open up a whole new dialogue. Accept your share of the responsibility for what happened.

#5  Be humble - Sometimes if you can apologize for something you did, it can disarm your partner and result in him apologizing as well.  Always remember, don't apologize for things you didn't do just so the fight will be over.  Be sincere, please.

#6  Let go of being right - Wanting to win an argument is the surest way to keep it going.  It's a sure no win situation and keeps you from truly connecting with your partner.  Would you rather be right or be happy?  

#7  Let your partner learn in his way - You can only control yourself and your own pace of learning.  Don't force him to see what the issue your way.  There is information in any argument for both of you, but it is not possible to make someone see things from your POV. Either he does, or does not.

• If you are holding out for an apology, and he isn't giving it, consider openly forgiving him anyway.  This kind of acceptance, if you don' t do it in a condescending way, might show that you accept his imperfection, which can help him be less defensive.  

#8  Appreciate your partner - Action that create positive feelings will help to sustain your relationship.  However, if you are still feeling down about the whole thing, start with yourself.  

#9  Set boundaries - If your argument has been a nasty one before, you may want to make an agreement with him about the boundaries and terms of your relationship.  Don’t score points or try to win by arguing from a rational position. Making up is about fixing what went wrong, not beating the other person.

#10  Learn from argument - If you keep repeating the same arguments, it is because in some ways you keep these issue going without realizing it. What can you learn from these issues?  Be realistic about the issue or fact you are fighting about.  

Remember, MAKE UP don't BREAK UP!

Signed off for now

LOLA