Cheating partner... the signs and how to catch him...

Dear Diary,

There is nothing as painful as discovering someone you love has been cheating on you, but almost as bad as not knowing for sure if your suspicion is founded. 

There are list of danger signs to look out for that show that your partner is being unfaithful (or not, as the case may be):

1. He suddenly loses interest in kissing you.  Strangely enough, man that unfaithful or bored will continue having sex far longer than they will in kissing.  So, this is one of the first signs they are going off you.
2. He stop wanting to make love with you (or just have a quicky instead).
3. He start working late at nights.  He also starts leaving for work earlier than usual.
4. He seldom wants to take you to work functions (possibly he is taking someone else instead).
5. He starts leave the room every time the handphone rings anand takes the call elsewhere. He keeps the handphone with him all the time.
6. Somebody on the other line hangs up the call as soon as they hear your voice, and the name and number is withheld.
7. He starts spend his free time claiming he is out with friends, yet you are not invited.
8. He receives text messages on their handphone during odd hours, and always quickly deletes after reading them and often claims they are only a friend. There is potentially his handphone bill has risen dramatically.
9. He suddenly has to go away for business trip, often at short notice and you are not allowed to accompany him.
10. He start taking a great deal more care about his appearance out of the blue, begin to wear perfume/ aftershave daily when they rarely bothered before.
11. He regularly comes home after work not hungry, as it may be he has eaten outside.
12. The mileage on his car or the petrol consumption has risen significantly for no explicable reason.

  

Now, you know the danger signs.  So, how to catch them out? There are a few tips that you can try out:

1. Whenever you have chance i.e. he is in the toilet or having shower, check the content of his wallet, pocket, etc.  Look out for receipts or generally things you would not expect them to buy normally.
2. Go through his handphone and check for dialled and received calls. Look for recurring numbers. However, it's quite difficult if he put password on the handphone.
3. Check for text messages that have not been deleted yet.  
4. If he says he has to work late, do some spot check either via calls at his office or surprise him at workplace.
5. If he going out with friends, ask who and where.  Maybe you can confirm with his friends or maybe check if he is where he say he is and with whom.
6. If he claims to be going on a business trip out of state or town, get details on his trip i.e hotel, meeting companion and so on. And do some check out.  Calls him at night via the hotel number.
7. Make a note of his car mileage.  Any oddity without any explainable reason, he has no doubt been somewhere else too.
8. If he start to leave for work early than usual on a regular basis, try call his workplace around the time he should have arrived.
9. If you can access his emails or better still can guess his FB password, this is a great way of catching him out. Quite often he may well forget to delete certain email, or complacent enough to leave it there, or may not have emptied his deleted items folder yet.
10. If you get to know to who he is committing infidelity with, try to find out information on her.  Then, check if his partner's vehicle is in the driveway or parked in a nearby.
11. If you have budget, invest in a basic phone-bug, or very small cameras.
12. Check out his car really thoroughly, look for unfamiliar hairs or proof.

Whatever it is, all I can say "GOOD LUCK"!!

Signed off for now

LOLA  

The worst defense is a good defense...................

Dear Diary,

Which one is your favourite defense?

1. Placating. Critical feedback is tuned out and brushed over. ‘Yes, dear, okay, honey, whatever you say.’
2. Invalidating. One partner tries to convince the other that his or her complaint is not legitimate. ‘Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Are you just trying to find things to be upset about? This isn’t even a real problem.’
3. Chronic postponing. If one partner brings up a complaint, the other continually finds a way to put off the discussion. ‘You are really bringing this up now? I’m way too busy right now to talk about this.’
4. Guilting. Critical feedback gets diverted when the recipient turns the conversation around to his or her own feelings and fears. ‘Why are you being so mean to me? How do you think that makesme feel?’ There also might be crying, pouting, brooding, disconnecting emotionally or physically, or even acting out in self-destructive ways.
5. Globalizing. Instead of focusing on the actual issue that a partner is raising, the other person turns it into something huge and global, as a way to obscure and avoid the issue. ‘I am such a disappointment, I never do anything right. You are never satisfied.’
6. Narrowing. Instead of addressing the deeper issue, excuses and reasons about a specific incident are used to close off the critical feedback. ‘I didn’t feel well this morning and couldn’t focus on anything. I had to work that night. I was late because there was a traffic jam.’
7. Bullying. Intimidation is used to stop critical feedback. This could be raising one’s voice, pounding a fist on the table, or making vague or concrete threats about what might happen if the other partner continues to try to talk about the issue.
8. Ignoring. In the face of criticism, one person just walks out of the room or house or simply ignores the other partner when he or she tries to express a complaint.
9. Transferring responsibility. The partner who is being criticized passes the responsibility back to the other partner. ‘You are just too sensitive, too critical, never happy.’ ‘Maybe if you acted differently, I would be different.’ This responsibility transfer can even be in the form of pointing to the feedback itself as the cause of behavior. ‘Maybe if you didn’t nag me so much, I would do more of what you ask.’
10. One-upping. Critical feedback is deflected by turning the conversation into competitive grievance one-upsmanship. ‘I can’t believe you are upset. I am upset. You do so many things that bother me.’
11. Stonewalling. One partner shuts down any conversation involving critical feedback by stating that he or she is too rigid to even discuss possibilities for change. ‘That’s just the way I am. Live with it. This is what you signed up for when we got together. If you can’t accept me for who I am, there’s the door.’
12. Denying. The critical feedback is flatly denied. ‘I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that.’
13. Neutralizing. The person receiving the grievance ‘neutralizes’ the criticism by explaining that his or her intention is being misunderstood. ‘I wasn’t trying to upset you. I don’t think you should be mad at me when I was only trying to be helpful.’

I think try to compromise is the key word.  But then, in reality no matter how hard we try, sometimes we tend to upset and disappoint the people we love or care. 

Signed off for now

LOLA

Second chance

Dear Diary,

Most of us will have the experience of giving your other half a second chance at some point of time.  I have my own fair share.  My partner of 3 years has cheated on me and asked for a second chance. He said that he's so remorse with what he had done to me, all the pain that he had caused me. There are a lot of questions that playing in my mind e.g. 

• Why the relationship didn't work the first time? 
• Will it work on the second time? 
• Will I finally forgive him? 
• Will I be able to forget the pain? 
• Can I trust him? 
• What is it different this time?
• Is he worth it?
• Is he willing to make concessions and put the time and effort into saving our relationship?
• Is he willing to admit his mistakes?

Yes, after deep-thinking and soul searching, I finally decided to give him another chance, hoping that it's going to be the last.  However, there are certain things that I need to be considered/prepared when giving him a second chance::

1.  Do my homework well - It is crucial to avoid creating an issue over a tiny weeny thing that could have easily been sorted.  

2. Do a little soul-searching - Sit back, reflect and meditate on the reasons for misunderstanding.

3.   Do only what I am  really sure can work - Don't proceed and expect more than what is achievable as far as the issue is concern.

4.  Do the groundwork - Both sides may have a problem putting their pride aside, but someone has to step in at the end of the day. 

5.  Make the issue known - Identify the real culprit on what exactly ruined the relationship and discuss with each other.  It might hurt a lot for awhile, but at least both of us want to make things right.

6.  Let time and space heal wounds - If things with my partner seem to be hitting the wall other than growing positively,we  try and give each other some "space apart".  

7.  Take responsibility - If he seems to think that you are the one on the wrong and I know it's true, the best I can do is "own up" the blame and via versa.

8.  Have a cooling off period - If the issues I have with him seems to want to head for a fight, I need back up and give each other time to cool off first before picking up the discussion 

9.  Bygone be bygone - Don't ever bring up the issue especially on his mistakes for no apparent reason.  It feels like put salt on the open wound.

As it is said, "it is better the devil you know, that the angel you don't"......................

Signed off for now

LOLA

Hard to let you go......

Dear Diary,

Where do we go from here?
I can 't believe that you are not near..
You are the cause of my every tear, 
losing you was my every fear....

The remarkable feeling of your touch, 
the blessed feeling of your love,
The thought of believing you, 
the things we have been through,
all my cherished memories have vanished...

I was wrong to trust you, 
I was wrong to believe when you said 
that I was your dreams for your future...

Was she worth losing me?
How blind could you be? 
Your desire was to deceive me, 
to degrade my love that I gave you...

Look deep inside your soul, 
I was the one who remained by your side,
In return all you did was lied...

I was never prepared for you too cheat me out...
Now as I lay here alone
I realize that your gone forever
Forgetting you will be never..

Signed off for now
LOLA

Anxiety attack

Dear Diary,

Yesterday morning when I heard the news that tweety has gone for his military training aka EX Nasi Mentah camp in Perak, I felt like I had an anxiety attack.  I was having cold sweat, numbness on my fingers, palpitation, dizziness and so on.

So, I googled the signs, symptom and the relief.  These are the tips that I got:

Deep breathing

Do these will physically and mentally calm you down and lower your heart rate:

1. Start out by breathing through your nose for a slow 3 count.
2. Then hold you breath for a slow 3 count.
3. And then exhale for a slow 3 count through your mouth like how you would exhale when you blow hot soup to cool it.  You can do this as long as you want.

Stop and replace

Stop the anxious thought and replace it with a more calming thought. 

Divert your attention by focusing on something else

Doing mental puzzles, word games, sudoku.  Or better still, practice meditation. 

Talk to someone you know or trust and comfort you

Ask him to massage your palm while talking to you.

Tense and relax

Tense various muscles in your body for a few seconds and then release, allowing yourself to relax.

Stand and walk

If you are able to stand, get up and walk around slowly, while slowly breathing (change of focus).

Release your jaw

Don't lock your jaw together, this will make the nausea in your panic attack twice as bad.  People are often tempted to do this, but it doesn't make it any better. Relaxing your face will help.

Stand and walk

If possible, physically do something like cleaning up.  Your body has produced a lot of adrenaline, it's keyed for "fight for flight".  Sitting or standing still causes toxins to build up in your muscles for later cramps and aches, while it also increases anxiety because you are forcing yourself to stand still.  

Cleaning or organising something also gives a sense of control - you were able to control something.  It also stimulates your left brain (logical side) so you can approach the situation rapidly. you are able to stand, get up and walk around slowly, while slowly breathing (change of focus).  The more vigorous and organizational the activity, the better.  Unless it is immediately before a performance or something, this is a good time to organise or sort everything on your workbench.

Lastly take a deep breath and always remember that you are in control.

Signed off for now

LOLA