Privacy and Secrecy between couple....

Dear Diary,

Do you think when you are in a relationship, both has the rights to privacy to do his/her necessities alone i.e. handphone, social network, etc? If privacy really exists, to what extent?

Issues of privacy or secrecy have affected almost everyone's intimate relationship, including my own. The issue may seems simple, yet in my personal experience, I know that the boundaries between privacy and secrecy can become very fuzzy. What is appropriately kept private? When does something held private become a secret? Where and when do the boundaries between privacy and secrecy blur? Why does someone hold a secret from their loved one, and how does it affect the relationship? 

The experts say that in an intimate relationship, a secret is a need, thought, feeling or action held by one partner, that if shared could negatively impart their partner and/or the relationship. On the other hand, an issue of privacy is one that concerns only the individual and does not in any way affect their partner or the relationship.

• Secrecy is destructive to a relationship and an individual's self-esteem, while privacy can create ego strength and be personally instructive. 
• Secrecy comes with guilt and fear, while privacy results in a stronger sense of self without guilt. 
• Secrecy is about control and destroys trust, while privacy does not.
• Secrets are often about additive behaviors, or old defense mechanisms, while privacy is more often about personal history, values, priorities, dreams and visions of the future.

The decision to withhold a secret, or to keep something private, is a choice reflecting our values and emotional maturity. Choosing to share a secret is a healthy and mature act, even though it may create conflict. Choosing to keep something private, is our right and privilege, however if we choose to share something personal, it has the possibility of deepening an intimacy.

Secrecy creates an illusion about what is real. If the illusion is maintained and the truth not revealed, trust will be broken. Trust is broken because tension or a state of anxiety, will be felt in the relationship leading to distrust. Trust is the foundation of all relationship. So when secrets are held - either by overt lying or by the "white lie" of omission - the relationship is undermined. Once a secret is discovered, trust is very hard to rebuild - if not impossible. As said by Sophocles " Do nothing secretly, for TIME sees and hears all things, and discloses all"........

However, respecting your partner's privacy is equal to respect as an individual. Hence, the privacy between the couple should be recognized as a civilized awareness and social upbringing. The most severe and ridiculous invasion is to demand the other person to disclose all things in the depth of their heart in the name of love. The couple who can be honored as the spiritual couple is the one who attach great important to the other’s free space in heart. For instance, they won’t ask for the disclosure of the others’ diary or personal letters.”

After reading all the articles pertaining to this issue, now I realised that the relationship between the couple is mutualism not parasitism. Namely, they aren’t the accessories of the other. Therefore, the individual in marriage should have their own space. The relationship of the couple should be built on the basis of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual understanding, mutual communication, and mutual support. In the daily life, many couples don’t make sense of it and can’t reach consensus on the right way to communicate with the other sex, so one is just concealing things and looks mysterious, and the other one becomes inquisitive and doubtful all the time, which must result in a transformation from the normal and square relationship to a secretive one.

But then again, I strongly believe there is nothing more powerful and spiritual than a committed, honest and loving relationship.  When there are no secrets and trusts grow stronger and stronger, the intimate partners are able to support each other in their emotional and spiritual growth process.  A relationship with no secrets provides a secure foundation for both partners to face new challenges and grow together in a mutually enhancing way.

I'm just saying............................

Signed off for now,

LOLA